It’s been two months since Why I Prefer to Wait to Date Part One and for good reasons. An intense desire to grasp a deeper understanding behind the wait I committed to overwhelmed me. I had acknowledged my past hurts and failures, but that wasn’t enough. I had forgiven and moved forward from those experiences, but that wasn’t enough. I vowed to set boundaries in future relationships that would honor God, but that wasn’t enough. I laid my plans before God and what I presented wasn’t entirely what He wanted to see or hear. And to be completely transparent what I presented before God wasn’t enough for me either. There was something else that needed to be addressed. What God longed for ran deeper than what I petitioned before Him. God simply wanted to know “Are you satisfied with me alone? If marriage is not my plan for you, would I be enough? Would your heart be a place where I am welcomed?” My response startled me when I told God “no.”
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t surrender and submit to the lie that everything would be okay between God and I if He decided not to honor the very thing I longed for and admired. Yet, I couldn’t accept the possible truth either.
How is it that He can place me around so many people with relationships He took time molding and putting together and not allow me the same privileges? Have I not honored you by obeying your commands to leave behind toxic relationships? Have I not honored you with my body? Have I not honored you with my time? God have I not honored you? My confession hurt me and I knew it hurt Him as well. I sought to draw closer to the desire I’d been praying for more than I had sought to draw closer to God out of a pure heart.
I remember thinking to myself something has to change and I wasn’t about to ask God to change whatever He had already predestined. Instead I thanked Him for the desire He placed in my heart to dig deeper within myself and to evaluate the attitude of my heart. I asked for His forgiveness as I had coveted after what He ordained in other people’s lives. I asked for His forgiveness because of my ill intentions behind my commitment to wait. I had also asked Him to create in me a yes heart. A heart that is able to accept whatever His plans are for me. A heart that would be satisfied with Him alone. A heart that would reject any other god that looks to take His rightful place as the King of my heart.
That’s it! His purpose for me in this season of stillness is for Him to refine my heart, tweak my vision, and align me to His will. Not mine owns. Whether this season of waiting includes preparation for marriage or not I am content with knowing God loves me enough to have me for Himself.